The Life and Times of a Starry Eyed Wayward Girl

New Blog!

2009-05-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start a new one please fallow that one!!
http://starryeyedwaywardgirl.blogspot.com/

trying to get everthing straight.

Nail art! how to be the flyest bitch on the block

2009-04-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

New Lady Gaga song.

2009-03-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

so rad!

Holy awesome pants batman!

2009-03-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

Electric batman - by Lilly Holiday on Polyvore.com

The Anti-Lilly party....well it's a new way to shit on me I guess.

2009-03-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

a party throw in my Dis-honor! woot!
what can I say to this save for this is how I'm living.....

So this month has been the craziest month ever I've been moving I was one of the vices someone gave up for lent (long story), one of my ex-friends keeps harassing me in ways that are so retarded that it's almost flattering.

So about this Ex-friend thing, first I'd like to say how middle school I feel even typing the work "ex-friend". But this is a person that would ignore my calls until it was three am and her and her boyfriend were in some kind of altercation mostly involving some kind drugs and alcohol induced rages on both of their parts. So the only time I'd hear from her is 3am drunk dialing or mass-chain mail text messages that weren't ever funny. The last straw came when she sent me some raciest one about Obama, "they're getting rid of the rose garden and putting in a water mellon patch!" oh...ha....ha....ha.

So I told her to loose my number. What dose she do..... have other people prank call me at 3am! About how I like black dick.....the woman is 32....this is the kinda stuff you hear about high school kids doing to one another and there isn't a person that she hangs with that is younger than her....making this all the better. This means grown ass folks don't have anything better to do than fuck with me....I'm a sick person because I really am deeply flattered by this...they even have Anti-lilly partys! yes parties thrown in my DIS-honer! they sent me pictures to prove it....

heart break special the mixtape.

2009-03-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I made a playlist how gay and emo of me!

1 Amy Winehouse - Wake Up Alone
2 Bring Me Down-Lenka
3 Dark Blue Jacks- Mannequin
4 Fort Minor- Where'd You Go
5 I'm On Fire-Bat for Lashes
6 I Know It's Over -The Smiths
7 I Feel It All -Feist
8 I Need A Hero-Frou Frou
9 Keep Breathing-Ingrid Michaelson
10 Lady Sings the Blues-Billie Holiday
11 Last Goodbye-Jeff Buckley
12 Let Me Kiss You-Morrissey
13 Loneliness is Worse-Veruca Salt
14 Love Song-Sara Bareilles
15 Madonna - Borderline
16 Merry Happy-Kate Nash
17 Portions of Foxes-Rilo Kiley
18 Ryan Adams - Wonderwall (Oasis cover)
19 Simple And Clean-Utada Hikaru
20 Sky Fell Over Me-Shiny Toy Guns
21 Stevie Nicks with Sheryl Crow - If You Ever Did Believe (practical magic soundtrack)
22 This Love-The Veronicas
23. Walking On Broken Glass-Annie Lennox
24 What About Love-Heart

25. Love will tear us apart agin- Joy division

what can I say I mushy emotional cutter.

Lent.

2009-03-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

a time to give up a vice. like coffee, smoking, sweets, booze, ....a person? I'm a vice? So Lover gave me up for lent. Let me clairify, he gave up sex for lent. Okay that wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't the only one he was having sex with. That's like there being only one blond in the room than saying out loud "I'm not going to fuck any blond girls in this room! So there!"

So Randy's best friend Joel where talking about, this is really good "All the things that I don't want in my life..", yes he said that, thinking that I wouldn't take it personally some how. And his best friend said that he let girls distrack him from what he wants in life. Randy being....well Randy got quite offended by this remarking back "I'm not a sexaully driven person, I don't need sex." Well then Joel and can I just say good for him? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not a sexually driven person, ugh!

Anywho Joel says "well then Lent is coming up if you can give up sex for 40 days and nights I'll bet you a hundred dallors" Long story short Randy worked Joel up to 500. So that's great I my feelings aren't worthless! They have an exact amount!!! WOOT! yeah okay, out of everything that's happened this is by far feeling the worst.

So as Randy is telling me this he's pacing around my apartment nervous, I thought it was just becuase we'd had a stupid spat where he thought that ....oh god who knows what the fuck he thought. fuck it. He tells me all this like it has nothing to do with me, and I'm thinking okay well maybe it really doesn't maybe I'm the dellionaly one, maybe there really isn't anything there and he's been with other girls. Nope I'm not crazy he WASN'T sleeping with anyone else, I'm just a thing that he doesn't want in his life. okay so I'm sitting there in shock. What do you do? What do you say to someone who has giving up on you yet again? Someone whom you've been nothing but honest with and now your something that they don't want in there life. Fuck, I'm sitting here crying at a fucking coffee shop. I'm so fucking mad! I want to call him up and just yell. "You fucking hurt me? fuck for what? Why am I so fucking worthless to you? Why do You let ever piece of shit girl in but keep me away? Why did you fucking do this?"

which brings me to what I deside to do, I gave him up for lent, I can't talk to him or text. Needless to say he wasn't too happy about that, bring up the fact of why would he want to be with someone who wasn't willing to be his friend. Well why the fuck would I want to be friends with someone that would fucking hurt me this bad?! FUCK!!! Why would I want a reminder everyday that I'm not what you want? Why would I want to have you around talking about how your not a sexual person and how you could take it or leave it?

Okay here it is I'm just going to say it, Randy has a healthy sexual appitite just like anyother 25 year old male, however he has a relationship with sex like anirexes have with food, ie: if I don't have it, it won't control me. So fuck you for putting that on other people. So you fucked your ex a few times, who doesn't do what I refer to "backies"? So you like to fuck, you like to eat to don't you? Fuck your human! Get over it! I know you want to be different and wierd your there! you have a dreadlock mohawk and some of the sexiest tattoos and peircing I've ever seen and your half black and look exotic as fuck. You do things with more care and diganty than I've ever seen in another person, mission accomplished yo! You don't have to prove to anyone that your different. Fuck I can't even do the fucking stupid girl thing and go off on what a fucking douch bag he is, cuz he's not, which makes me even more mad that he's up and desided to act this way towards me.

And even after all this my stay-too-late manlety is telling me to just wait for him to come around, that what I felt was real, and anything real is worth it. But worth what? My pride, sense of self worth just to have him knock me down with his own fears? Nothing hurts like the feeling of loosing something of worth. I'm a fucking mess right now. I should just slap on a smile and be writing about how much fun I've been having. I wish I was one of those people that could play games, I'm finding that, that is a very useful surviaul tactic that I just don't own. I'm big fat whooping bleeding breaking wound of a heart. Game face! Game face! I need a game face! And I totally don't own that outfit.

I wish I did. I don't want to be sad and mope around, And I don't even have a place to hide while all this is going on, I want to bury my head and sand and watch movies all day. But I don't have a place where I want to do that. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to rain on anyone's day, fuck why would I want that? Wet blanket never looks good on anyone. I'm hoping later that I'll have the burst of creativity that will be the fuel for a painting or a drawing or something but all I'm doing right now is stairing at a blank page. The only thing that I've created is a play list of horrorable perfect songs for this forlorn occation. Ewww I used the word forlorn.....what is this wiethering hieghts? and here I was hoping for Pride and Predjust! Oh no go to hell Hefclift go to hell! I want a Mr. Darcy damn it!

lovemaps

2009-02-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm dating someone who's love map has been vandalized.....damn it.

what is a love map you ask?

"A lovemap is a concept originated by John Money to assist a discussion of why people like what they enjoy sexually and erotically. According to Money, it is "a developmental representation or template in the mind and in the brain depicting the idealized lover and the idealized program of sexual and erotic activity projected in imagery or actually engaged in with that lover."[1]

A lovemap can be shaped by both positive and negative factors, things that attract or repel the person whose erotic tastes are being mapped. For reasons that are not always easy to understand, one person may be attracted to people of a particular gender, with a particular physical characteristic, with particular personality traits, and so forth. One may also find certain characteristics so threatening or objectionable that it strongly mitigates against an erotic attraction being manifested.

A lovemap can be shaped by environmental factors that facilitate the formation of an erotic bond, or that enhance or diminish erotic response. For instance, some people may bond strongly to people with whom they share a crisis situation. Some people may find their erotic responses muted in the presence of intimidating environmental factors (observant elders or nosy neighbors, for instance). "

So that's what a Lovemap is and the man I'm dating has a lovemap that has had a razor blade and shapie taking to it. I was reading this as a came across this while looking up imprinting (don't ask). And I got to thinking is all of it so predestined? and so unchangable? Or is it just another way to classife just another stage in your life. Or is it some what more of a biproduct of everything else. You're love map that is. Your turn ons and your turn offs.... your needs.

happy holidays! .....you're freezing your ass off!

2009-01-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

Okay so I went up to my mother's house for Christmas which okay I like spending time with the fam and all. But when it's too cold to bathe? That's right my mother lives in a house with a water heater the size of a brita water filter and at the base of palomar moutain and it was snowing across the fucking street. Yeah, hi I was fucking purple. It's really hard to get in the christmas spirt when you're purple.

Spending time with my niece and nephew would have being the highlight if they didn't have the worse case of cabin fever I've ever seen. I really couldn't blame them though, I was just as bad but with the house at 65 degrees (which I'm sorry is fucking freezing!) There was no way I was going out side, even if the kids and I weren't sick on top of freezing. The nitequil that my friend Haily had left at my house was worth it's weight in gold seeings how A. I can't sleep at my mothers. that might have to do with the fact that she lives out in the middle of nowhere aka where noone can hear you scream. B. I'm too fucking cold to sleep. C. if you can't breath you can't sleep. YAY! super phun time.

After dropping off the kids the next day we went to an old friend of the family, Carl. It was one of those barzar expirnces where everyone pretends to know you when they haven't seen you since you where five maybe. My hat is tipped to Carl's daughter whom was one of the only people at the party that introduced herself and didn't acted like I should know her. She laughed and said she gets the same thing all the time.

Random person my partents know "Oh you remember ME!"

Me "No I don't recall."

Random "You use to play in the dirt in frount of my house!"

Me "Really? Was I five?"

Random "Yeah you where this tall! You've grown!"

Me "Yeah, It's kinda been like 21 years. How many people to remember from the ages of five and under? I go by Leia now, too many Amandas really doesn't fit, you know? What was your name?"

Random "Oh come on you remember!"

Me "No really I was five. I really only rememeber cartoons."

Random "Well I'm not telling you....."

Me "I'll work on caring...."

Needless to say my mother was pissed. Some people really just need to shot in the face how the fuck was i suppose to rememeber these people? I was fucking five. The only thing I remember is wanting to wear my halloween costume year round. Yes I was one of those kids.
My mother calmed down after about a bottle of wine. Bad idea on my part to bring the wine. My mother has to be one of the worse drunks I know and I know some fucking terriable drunks. So needless to say the drive home was a super phun time! Then once we got home my mother through a princess fit because I didn't want to watch Christmas Vaction for the millionth fucking time because "It's a tadution!"

I didn't want to watch that movie....ever again for the rest of my life but the crazy woman was in charge to the heat, the sadiest. So on with Mr. Chase and compeny and she let me have a fire. However she nagected to mention that the heater can't be on while you have a fire because for some bazzar reason the heater blows the smoke into the house! So after my near brush with death via smoke inhaltion The house got moderatly warm. And I got to thinking if something like the red dawn happened I'd be screwed. I can't be in cold weather I'm the meanest bitch ever! I turn into the devil when I'm cold. Well maybe that'd be a good thing if I was fighting a rebellion......
well anywho! that was my christmas tune in for more adventures in La La Leia Land same bat time same bat channel.

Quote of the Day!

2008-12-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

Waiting for something always makes it more exciting.
-Andy Warhol

Hair, Growing up and the death of the party too hard me.

2008-12-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

Okay so I did the thing that every hairdresser knows that your not suppose to do, I started to booth rent with little to no clientele. I thought I was going to regret it but I forgot how much fun working a in salon could be, don't get me wrong it can be hell to if you hate the people that you work with but every one at House of Hair not only are the nice but they're not that TOO nice. You know that creepy too nice vibe when you first meet someone and they're too nice to you and it's almost as if you can see the devil behind there eyes. There's none of that.

Yeah they're all kooky in one way or another and everyone gets along.....they're normal crazy, it's nice to have that and not catty cunt crazy. Or maybe I'm just use to dealing with titty bar crazy and druggy crazy that another other than that is a pleasant surprise. ha ha.

Anywho after everything that's gone down in the last few months I'm starting to feel that everything is heading in the right direction. A rare feeling for me I usually feel like I'm reading a road map upside down and in greek. So go team me! I Still get to come and go as I please and I don't have to deal with as much shit. AND I'll always remember working cuz I'll never be drunk at work!

Speaking of work I haven't drank anything since tuesday, talk about a lush's achievement but I've cut back on my drinking by......alot. I wish I had something witty and clever to say about me being a drunk ass however it's just not happening. sorry folks. But as the days roll on that last five pounds that I've been at war with about a year that was becoming a nice gut are melting away. I guess the other girls had it right you can't just drink you have to do other drugs to stay stripper fit. Or any kind of fit what so ever. But then again I'm proud to say that I'm not a lifer of the bar seen being a drunk ass is really only cute for so long and in my case it was very rarely cute so much as kinda funny and sad all at once.

It will be nice walking in to a bar and not feeling like i'm at work, go out and have fun and see the next crop of party too hard girls and smile thinking "Oh that's not going to be so fun in the morning".

Ah, baby steps of growing up, how fun.

the best song in the world

2008-12-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

Amelia by Esthero

Enjoy and go see this girl live when ever you get a chance it will be best money you've ever spent.

It's just another day.

2008-12-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

So I've been showing up for work around like ...7 ish tonight since I'm going to Lover's art show. I decided that I'm going to try to make it in bye like 8-ish. But that's cutting by money by like 20 bucks or so so I'm really trying hustle, seeings how I have yet to pay my rent........yeeesh!
It really doesn't help that I'm so bad with money. But that's always been the case. I'm the type of girl that if I have a 100 bucks I have money which I know is wrong. That's always been wrong. I can't help if that's how I think. I need to get that cushion, you know the three month one that everyone on the planet SHOULD have been none of my friends actually do but then my friends are most likely the worse sample population on the planet. Odd balls everyone of them, I love it. BUt they have to be some of the worse finical advice givers in the world.

Me: I'm so broke!

My Friends: Well do more dances....

Me:Thanks guys I didn't think of that.

Anywho, I've been trying not to think of how much money I owe cuz then it's just going to freak me out and I'm going to feel cornered. And When I feel like that I get a little like a wild kitty and lash out at people, not really a good plan for making that paper.

Maybe being around art will kick my ass into high art gear.

My fav song sets.

2008-11-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

So girls dancing around to "Girls girls girls" and tool are fucking making me sick. No bitch you're not hard core cuz you dance to the Deftones. Along with neon bikinis I think a lot of the music needs to go. Not I want to do dirty things to Trent Reznor as much as the next grown up goth girl, however if I have to hear "Closer" one more fucking time I'm gonna choke someone with their own triangle top. Or the fucking Pussy Cat Dolls....no bitch I don't!

Set #1
The Knux- Cappuccino
The Knux- Hard days night

Set #2
Metric- Dead disco
Metric- Poster of a girl

Set#3
Shinny Toy Guns- You are the one
Shinny Toy Guns- Photograph

Set#4
Goldfrapp- Strict machine
Goldfrapp- Beautiful

Set# 5
Esthero ft. Andre 3000- Jungle book
Esthero- Bad Boy Clyde

Set#6
The Pierces- Lights on
Fiest- One evening

Set#7
The ting ting tings- Shut up and let me go
The ting ting tings- Great DJ

Set#8
Kate Nash- Pumpkin soup
Ana Serrano van der Laan-Paradise

Set#9
Nouvelle Vague- Dancing With Myself
Billie Holiday- Comes Love

Set# 10
Death from above 1979- Romantic rights
Death from above 1979- Sexy results

That's the ones that have been in heavy rotation for a weeks.

Quote of the Day!

2008-11-26T14:54:00.000-08:00

But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.

Waiter Rant, Waiter Rant weblog

Family fun at a funeral.

2008-11-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

So I walked into my house today for the first time in about three days. I know that doesn't seem like a long time but when you have the family that I have I might as well been lost in the jungle for six months. That's what I felt and smelled like. My family always makes fun of me for being a bit of a towny, city folk if you will. Well I just like those crazy city convences like I don't know running non-well hot water and not being looked at and having said to me "Oh, honey you're really not wearing that are you?"

Yes I must be crazy. Well water for those of you that have yet to expirence this lovely adventure an country living, taking a bath in well water with the water heater the size of crock pot is not only freezing it also smells like a dog, so you end up smelling like cold wet puppy. Wooray.

My family's demamics are odd to say the least the frether away on the family tree you are from me the more likely you are to be a rational human being. The closer the more likely you are to have a drug problem, lair, bitch, Dead beet, ect. you get the point. There was a couple of kids of my own generation that didn't even hug me or say hi. I few even shuffled their children away trying to choke back a "Don't look her directly in the eyes!" There was the saving grace of two twice removed cousins that are awesome and an open bar. I was very proud of my self cuz I didn't do the normal get drunk really quick thing that I normally do when I feel uncomfortable, instead it was a steady flow of liquor just enough to keep me good and numb.

So later on in the day it's time to pass around the mic. Only one of his children got up to speak, another one of his friends rambled on bless him about a story that was very near and dear to him about my grandfather, a bit too long, again bless him. Then my brother got up there and I couldn't get over the fact that all he said was "I love my grandfather, he was my John Wayne." And just as I'm getting up to speak, I have the perfect thing to say, a quote to use, a story a very short story, and then My uncle gets up almost racing me to the mic and gives the final farwell. I felt as if any minute they were going to get hook and pull me off the non existent stage. I just sat back down. It was most likely for the best I hate showing emotion in public but isn't the point of these gatherings to share your sorrow together and morn?

On top of all these shinaigins much to my own mortification my mother is running around telling everyone that I might be moving home...... Okay the biggest slight to ones pride is to have to move home. I have many a couch to sleep on before that's even in the picture. And this mad woman whom give birth to me is saying this like it's the best thing ever. I love the fact that she wants me around however we can't be in the same car with out it turning into a catty battle royal. She'll mention that my hair is yet another color and I'll mention that she needs to eat some where other than a chain restaurant, and then down hill from there until she makes me want to walk home.

Oh well I'm just glad to be back where I have a large water heater and a coffee shop. Oh yes and the internets.

Goodbye neon.

2008-11-24T12:56:00.000-08:00

I have made an executive decision that neon bikini's are out. I need something a bit more to feel seductive and since I'm obsessed with Ployvore.com I figured I'd show rather than tell.
Strippers in to step it up a bit. out with just the two piece bikinis neon prints and spray tans. We need to be girly and feminine again, when did sport spice take over stripper gear? I say nay! I want to see Barbrella hair with lace and ruffles! Feux fur and glitter!

I'm bringing back glam not single handedly I think Dita Von Teese has got that covered what with single handedly bringing back burlesque. But I'm saying in my own person life.

Lets go to Bed by Lilly Holiday

I just want to wear things that make me forget that my life sucks sometimes and make my life even better when it's good.

Very very good by the looks of things

This is what I'm going to post in the dressing room at work.

2008-11-17T11:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Class-less Cunt that stole my money,
We work in a place where we have the ability to make a shit ton of money, if you smile sweet enough to the right person and a lot of us are quite gifted in this. I am sad to report that I'm not really one of them. I suck at being a stripper, I'm no good at it I tell you, so I shouldn't need to tell to you that I don't make a lot of money. So the 150 bucks you stole from me. That was a big fucking deal. Why? Did you need money that bad? Single mother I hope? Well I don't give a fuck and I hope you and your baby have to sleep on rocks you dirty fucking thriving cunt.
I'm not expecting tearful remose I'm smart enough to know that I'm not getting to for you, like every other villian you wake up in the morning thinking of your self as right and just. Well you're not you're a peice of lying trash. You'll most likily smile to my face knowing full and well that it's my money now sittting in your gas tank and icebox, flithy cum cunt. I'll make more money, this is a menor set back, yes, not that big of a deal. But it's something that DIDN'T NEED TO HAPPEN AT ALL!!!! I've always had this way of looking at other dancers as a sister hood of down trotten girls that are using what ever wiles they posesse to make money to better what ever biazzar situation they seem to find themselves in. Why soil that? Look at the girl next to you. That is another human with a story just like yours, how dare you put your self above her or me. Why? How that fuck do people like you live? How do you look at yourself and think "I'm rad. I'm a good person that does good things. I totally deserve to be alive on this planet."?
Were you doing it out of spite? Knocking off of my high horse that I don't fucking have. I'm small potatos. I'm fucking gold fish in a koi pond. Was this to teach me that dancers are the evil things that we are in movies, tv, books and men's minds? Nay! You will not ruin my Ya-Ya feeling towards every other girl in this place.
I just wanted to get this out, I'm not making any threats, I'm going to waste my time trying to find you. Nay your punishment is simply being you and realizing that you're from underneith a diry scuzy compost pile and never being half the human being that me and most of these other girls are. I need you to know that your trash and I hope you know what a destructive person you are and I have a hope that you work on bettering yourself, doubtful how ever this coming from the girl that thinks at everyones core there is boundless amounts of good and the want to do right, that and I want to live in disenyland so as you can see I must be disconnected in someway.
I haven't been using the word cunt quite enough in your direction, cunt. Nay Thunder-Cunt. This letter is a bit like Dracula throwing a stick of dinomite in a kids tree fort. It's fucking Dracula, wasting his time throwing dinomite. He could being doing other shit I mean....it's fucking Dracula! But Dracula's so pissed he's throwing some fucking dinomite around. Ahhhhhh.....cunt. That's how pissed you've made me. I want to throw dinomite around....Dear Goddess I want you and your loved ones to be attacked by evil geese and all manner birds, you cunt trash pie. I want a squirel with all kinds of desies to go striaght for the fucking thoat. That'd be good. No I have it! I want you to have the best night of your dancing career how ever much that maybe then I want some to jack you for it. So all the things that you thought buy and bills you thought you'd pay, nope. Ha! Sounds zero fun uh? Yeah cuz it is zero fucking fun.
Love Lilly.

So much for fall fashion....

2008-11-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

So it's the middle of nov. and it's still hotter than two midgets having sex in a sock. I'm pretty pissed about it. I love fall fashions love them! And this seasons is so adorable! the tights the vinage stuff that just waiting for a chilly day. Scarfs! oh the scarfs! And soup damn it I wanna have some soup without sweating over it.
Baking I fucking want to bake some damn pumpkin bread is that really too much to ask? I'm trying not to be pissed about the weather, I mean I got to lay out today and work on my tan. So I just have to trick myself in to thinking it's still summer time.

But romantic fall is a callin'! It's the time to wear all the cute layers of stuff. Like this

romantic fall by Lilly Holiday

OH Lover.

2008-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

what is it like to cast someone out of your life? To see someone as an entirely disposeable object. Audie Humpburn once said "People more than things need to rebuilt, restored and reclaimed. Never throw out anyone." but is that true of toxic people and like all villians do they wake up thinking that they are in the right? I've been feeling lately like such a dispossable person. Noone needs me in there life. I have a lot of great friends that want me there. But friends sometimes can not heal the string of a romance turned sour and ugly.

Lover brought up my family as a red flag, something he said that I could never understand because I've never been hated for the simple color of my skin. Something that I've gotten almost arrested for assult because someone called my friend a nigger. Something that I couldn't understand because I have a white family, oh wait I've lived with and consider my best friends family more family than my own. But my prick fathers whom is in prison and isn't even apart of my life that's the red flag, that's part of what makes me dispossable.

Also the fact that I'm a dancer, something he knew not just when he met but before he met me. Something that not just one of his ex's is or was but practically ALL of his ex's are. What is it that makes me so easily discarded? What is it that makes it so easy for people to kick me when I'm down? So easy to let go.

I'm unquine, and most people that are leave a void where ever they've left. I have no idea if that is true of myself or not. I wonder if it's just the nature of men in general to pretent that they're no cracks and peaces missing from thier lives or from themselves. I'd like to think that but I've seen no evadence to the contairy. I'd love to think that I've left some kind of mark on them, I'd settle for a skarch where they've left a big bleeding wound in my fucking chest.

I have to remind myself that, this is what happened when you open yourself up, the sweets seem to come in with the sours and the latter seems to be in abundance.

the song that I'm listening to.
(Jeff Buckley: Last goodbye)

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over, it's over.

Halloween

2008-11-04T15:13:00.001-08:00

So I spent halloween up in LA in the west hollywood area and I must say the best part about that was all the drag queens dressed up as Sarah Paline. My Hat is tipped to them as it is to my friend Haily for dressing up like a ODed Hooters girl, and when anyone asked her what she was she'd reply "The saddest thing in the world." LOL! ahhhh that's why we're friends.

Painting's I've been working on

2008-11-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

this one's called under glass.
This one is called Ritual. If that's not the goddess speaking through art I have no idea what is.

This one's called "We all wear them..."
This Little Lovely is called "Melancholy Melody"
"Plugged In"
"Chesire Kitty"
And my all time favorite "Catwoman"

Being a broke stripper, take two!

2008-10-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

Jezzz!! So everyone remembers my rant on not dancing any more. Well shock me, shock me I had to go back to it and it's sad but I seemed to have forgotten that I have these things called bills. So now It's the dancers worse case senorio, rent week/ holiday week... that means a million and two girls and little to no girls. And the funny thing is .....okay actaully not even a little funny really I waited like a year to pay my power bill so it's like 300 dollars that I don't have. fuck. sooooo fucked.

I know I go on and on and on about growing up and being an adult but when things like this happen, or rather I let happen. The question of weather or not I'm ever growing up is really coming in to question.

It sucks because I really didn't want to work halloween! I was going to be the bride of frankinstine!! damn it! not I'm going to be stuck in a strip club wearing fucking cat ears. That's not really even a costume! I wear cat ears all the time!

sucks.

suck.

sucks.

Broken hearted boys, you have to go.

2008-10-27T18:02:00.001-07:00

If like actracts like then for me to say that I may just appear broken to the out side world. I feel like people are constantly waiting for me to show my "flaws" or my craziness. Okay people news flash! I have pink eye brows to match my hair, I run around in clears heels intoxicated of money and my greatest joy is watching cartoons.

Is that some how not crazy enough for you?

I'd really like it to be because there is no rabbit in my hat, I AM THE FREAKING BUNNY!

I have a hard time letting things go and when I like someone that's it there's no games, there's no question. I just want them and I find myself in the curious situation of someone, you guessed it Lover. Wanting me as well but him not liking himself enough to have me.

What kind of crap is that, uh Goddess?

So in an act of desperate self preservation because him holding back was killing me making me constantly doubt weather or not I could do or be again thing to make it okay. I had to cut him loose. It was like cutting apart of my own psyche away. I cried all this morning just thinking to myself for awhile I did indeed weather we'd like to say it or not, belonged to someone.

But you can't love a wild thing. In the end I would have done something stupid and crazy just to get his attention, making a fool and villian out of myself.

The worse part was when he left with all of his things, he sent me a text that for what is it worth our time together ment alot to him. It's so much easier to hate someone and say "well that guy's a piece of shit I'm better off!" than, that man is a worth while human being and when he's strongh enough to see what kind of power Lover has in this world it's going to be something really extraoridary. But I can't be there for it and no one can.

Another heart breaking thing he told me that he didn't want to be carried be anyone, I have to tip my hat to that, most men aren't men and having pride is a good step in to being one.

So to all the broken hearted boys out there I'm just going to make you realize that you need to standing on your own. And my god when you do I want to be there to see it.

Okay why I got fired...

2008-10-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm actually kinda pissed cuz I really do wish that I did something that was like "oh my god! I can't believe she did that," kinda thing but no it was something stupid. Me and a new manger in training didn't get along and I got fired over it.

lame beyond belief really I know. But oh well.

The end.

Sooooo....About that whole clear heels thing.....

2008-10-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie, it's been fun, hell more than fun, I've learned so much about my self and others than I would have doing something else. But the univeris has spoken. Strippering isn't what I'm suppose to doing right now I've learned what I needed from this and it's time to move on.

Don't get me wrong in my typical last to leave the party two hours too late I went kicking and screaming. "No! NOOO!! I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP!!!" It's not something that I'm proud of, taking the easy way out. But that's what I did for the past five years or so. Not relying on my talents or my creativity. It's really no wonder I've failed so brilliently.

That's me Burning out rather than fading away. Even as my manager was sitting me down and talking with me he was asking if I wanted him to call other clubs to get me a job there. Let's just say it was the oddest me-getting-fired talk ever. Who offers you another job when they're firing you?

I was getting pretty bad there for a minute. I'm not the type who hides how I'm feeling and you don't have to be a mind reader to see how I'm feeling. I swear when I'm in a bad mood I can make plants die as I walk by them. And I was just so over it and I was already looking for a new job working in a salon.

That's right, time to grow up and go to work every day. And do some hair.

Really?? Monday??? I mean freaking MONDAY??!!!

2008-10-02T01:10:00.000-07:00

So my lover, and I use the word lover because the semantics of our thing. It's sooooo undefined so the word "boyfriend" is a big he ever no-no topic. And strange thing is it's not off topic via him, it's via me. I was at first coming out of my skin to have the are-we-an-us-yet? convo, as it turns out I turn anything the seems like it would be a relationship convo into talk of batman, obama, or my fav, comic book vs movie.

So Lover is leaving tonight for a wedding where he and his friend Batty (I have no clue if that's her real name, doubt it) designed the wedding dress. So in true gothic fashion ie: not having very many friends of their own, they fly both Batty and Lover to said wedding. the problem with that is that I've gotten use to seeing and knowing him.....in the biblical sense that is. It's wednesday now and I'm not going to see him until you guessed it, monday.

Fucking monday? Damn it. really? Okay and another other thing that's driving me up the wall, his going to a wedding....I know not WITH another girl. But really with Batty. and call me old fashion but I'm just gonna say it, you take the person you are fucking or going to be fucking to a wedding....or in Lover's case co-designer of the Brides dress whom has a boyfriend.....and I'm just being a crazy girl really.

Making a movie!

2008-09-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm in a film class and I get to make three 5 min films. One black and white silent, one color with music and one color with full sound. The people in my group are rad but I'm really hoping that they don't let me do what I tend to do which is unintentional run over people and there ideas. I really am trying not do that. It's just that I have a type "A" personality. I am the leader of Alfa wolf bitch squadern! I love and hate that about me.

Another thing is the teacher doesn't share my opinion on the slice of life film. He's more a everyone either dies or gets married there's no inbetween. So I really have to work on the disney ending thing. But otherwise I am sooooo exicited about my classes really . to make movies.....I mean to make movies it's just going to bring a level to what art I can bring to people...

I can't wait to start.

Pencils, books and fellow strip club employees dirty looks

2008-08-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

A great man once say: "Haters are every damn where! EVER DAMN WHERE! You feel me? Some of the people that are closest to you are haters and every damn time you be doing something with your life they've got some shit to say. Fuck haters! You feel me?" Mr. Kat Williams I tip my hat to you. For there are no truer word of wisdom when you work in a titty bar and it always does come with from the most unexpected places.

Lets start at the beginning shall we? I'm going back to school and granded I'm a little late in the game at 26 with not so much of a point of Gen Ed under my belt I've really got to get cracking with this. So my GM of the bar that I work at who is normally very nice to me desides for what ever reason to start up a converstion with me that went something like this:

"Hey Lilly, so what's with you why don't you work more." Which is kinda their job to keep us in there seeings how it's illegal for them to tells us when to work. Please other strippers keep that in your back pocket for later uses.

"Well I just come in to pay the bills there's nothing else that's worth coming in here for."

"Oh so you have like a sugar daddy or second job or something?" I really liked how he asked if I had a sugar daddy before a second job, that's my favorite!

"Uh no...."

And I also like being interuped that's always nice aswell. "So you're just happy with that just floating, uh?"

"Floating? What the hell am I homeless?" I really didn't know where the hell he was going with this.

"You know not really doing anything with your life"

"I'm going to school." I narrowed my eyes thinking he'd back off.

"Well how many classes are you taking?"

I feel as if there should be a lamp in my face and people yelling at me in a foreign launguages "Two, I'm starting off slow."

"Do you think that's enough?" the creepy thing about my GM is that I'm pretty sure he has no soul there not even a hint of emotion in the mans eyes, I'm very rearly unnerved by things like that cuz I work with a lot of people that are dead on the inside but I've never even seen this amount of lifelessness in some eyes that's still breathing.

"Uhmm yeah I'm fine with it and hey who's your basis of compersion? It's not like we're suround by go getters in here." I was please with myself until he started in on me not having a car and all the crazy would if's situations such as: lost a leg, death in the family, attacked by angry bees, sold in to sexaul slavary ect...

It went on for quite some time, and I'm not gonna lie I was pretty pissed about the whole thing, until I realized... he was a bouncer last year, and is 15 years older than me if not older and works in the same place as me works 40 hours weeks and I make almost the same amount of money that he does. WHAT A FUCKING HATER!!!!

But Wednesday is the day for pencils and books and I could give a fuck about haters looks.

OXOX
Lilly

New fun out fit!

2008-08-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

okay so I was playing on this new site it's called Polyvore.com and you can put togther your own out sheets! uhmmm it's like the funnest thing in the whole world!

You put your right foot in.....

2008-08-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

So there's really a part of a relationship that I think everyone hates, well at lest I do and I'm known for projecting so bear with me. It's the part of the relationship that I like to call the Relationship Hookey-Pookey. That part of the relationship were it's all new and you really don't have any clue as to how to introduce the other person.

"Oh hi Bob! It's good to see you, this is my.....uhg.....my....My good friend Bingo! Yeah that's it good friend."

When you both know damn well that you don't do the no pants dance with "good friends". Well, at least I don't. It's retarted! And it's not really like it's high school it really shouldn't matter. But for something that really shouldn't matter do to the fact that I'm a "grown-up" my feelings and the feelings of others have been trappled on more than once of the splitting of hairs that people seem to do.

When does hanging out become seeing someone? And when does seeing someone become dating? And when the hell did all this labling become so important to some people?

It's like this some people think it's okay to be seeing more than one person at once, fine. Dating is seeing if it's not your boyfriend?

It's all so confusing!!! and then another wrench in the works you have those crazy people that seem to be just fine with open relationships. How does that even come up? I'd really like to know how to spot one of those in a crowd and avoid them like the black death.

But when does someone become yours? I know that's an aweful way to put it, but hey I'm willing to be someones. It doesn't make it any less childish, it just makes it what I want. Oh, and I thought there would be a parade when I figured out what I wanted. Oh, well.

Alaska.....It's a thought.

2008-06-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I was watching that show "Tougher in Alaska". I it's funny the only thing that keept on running through my little brain is that there is something crazy up there like a 10 to 1 ratio. Ten dudes to every one chick. And I heard from very early in my stripping "career" that the money was so good out there that they'd fly girls up for a mouth or to and the girls would come back with crazy figures such as 10,000- 20,000. This was from a some one whom was a costume maker and had been in and around the business for years and years. And she wasn't known to be stupid or fall in to idol gossip. And if I remember correctly SHE actually flew up there to sell costumes to the girls. (She had the market cornered on that I'm sure)

So I guess what I'm asking is should I take a stripper vaca to Alaska?

Things I'm sooooooo in love with right now.

2008-04-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

This freaking beautiful dress! I mean if I could just wear stuff like this everyday I really would the problem is finding said dress! But the color is enough to make my heart melt and red-orange is enough to just make me want to come out of my own skin!

Molotov Cocktease! She is my hero! If you haven't ever seen the show the Venture Bros. You haven't lived I tell you! But the long and short of it is Molotov Cocktease aside from having the coolest name EVER! Is a Rassian mercenary that is the love of Brock Samson's life, oh yeah and she killed Brocks partner, he killed her father and cut out her eye which he keeps in a jar by his bed. But she broke his heart.....such is love.

Pink Emo Hair.....I know I'm suppose to be so over this....but hey I'm the one who told them it wasn't a faze!

Luna Lovegood I've been getting into the Harry Potter thing lately and I've got to say...she's my favorite and I think I'm going to go all nerded out and dress up opening day....Yeah I'm going there scraf and shirt and all. What cha know about Ravenclaw!? What What?!

CupCakes.......I have no clue but I freaking love cupcakes.... and on that note.

Ahhh the Good Old Days

2008-03-04T22:54:00.000-08:00

Nickel and dimed, or Where do we find these people?

2008-02-29T17:32:00.000-08:00

So This didn't happen to me but I've had change thrown on my stage but nothing like this, one of my old managers told me this story, he use to work down at Hustlers in san Diego when it was still Pacer's. So a couple years back this guy comes in the club, there was something weird about him but the there's something weird about most the guys that come in.

So this guy sits down front row at the stage and the girl on stage is just minding her own business when it hits her, yes literal hits her....and sticks! Now every stripper has had her share of mordifying stage/coin molments. But to have the fucking thing stick on your butt.

How did he do it you ask? I was horrifed when I found out.

Step one: be a creepy fuck.

Step two: get a quarter.

Step three: get (I'm cringing as a type this?) vaseline

I know what your thinking, and yes that sick fuck really did!

Step four: drip the quarter in said vaseline and pelt an unspecting stripper in the ass with it.....

I pray every day that won't happen to another girl, not even one I hate. amen.

Going home with nothing but 60 bucks and shame.

2008-02-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

Now the there's a certin kind of shame that happens when you leave with 60 bucks, that only another dancer gets.

First I would like to say that it's not the "Crying Game" Shower kinda shame. It's the "Really I'm doing THIS with my life?" Kinda shame, it's the same kinda shame that I had after opening up my first "big girl" pay check for one of my first hair dressing gigs.

I say big girl cuz your suppose to go to school then get a job in the field of study. I did that! I played by the rules and when I opened up my pay check for a 40 hour work week it was something crazy like 460 dallors....Which if I went back to stripping that's easly made in a night (an alright night anyways).

But there's just this feeling of I've been jibbed by life when you work hard and still come up short. When there's noone in the club to make money off of it's just not your night. But what most people don't understand other nights make up for them more offent then not.

But still when it's not your night, and some nights are just really not your night. You go home feeling like shit. Lesser girls might fall into the mind trap of it's cuz I'm not pretty enough, bull. Then how did the fat girl make 400 bucks. You wasted your time with losers and now you have to tip out with 60 bucks.... now that's a real walk of shame. Handing the Dj and bouncer like 6 bucks each. Most will refuse. They understand. But oh! the feeling of pity, when your money is no good. That's the real shame.

When it's 5 buck on pump #6 instead of full 'er up. When it's ordoring off the vaule menu. That's the real shame, uhgggrr, the shame of being a broke stripper.

The odd injuries that dancers acquired Vol. 1!

2008-02-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

There are many odd things that happen while stripping. MANY MANY....MANY odd things one of them is all the odd injuries that we dancers seem to collect. From having Pole Burn to a collection of bruses and bumps to have the joints of an 80 year old woman.

Let's start with Pole Burn, it's kinda like smaller version of road rash mostlikly on the inner thigh or arm, you know that really tender areas. they stay there for a week or to.

This is a trick that you do to acquire a real nice set of pole burn.

There's the pole burn, I've seen wayyyyy worse, shit I've had worse.

Knees there's a whole lot of shit that can and will go wrong with your knees. They will brused. You'll get water in it and that has to be drained....and let me tell you about the sexy accessorie that you get with water on the knee.

And I'm just getting started!

Clear heels

2007-11-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

Ahh... clear heels. A Fashion staple among thouse whom take off their clothing for money and thouse whom have little to no fashion sence at all. Clear heels, I've had a love/hate relationship with them from the beging of my dancing. I hate the way they look. Tacky, in fact they look beyond tracky. But the other alternative is being THAT girl. You know the one I'm talking about the one with the roots wearing reguar heels and that is always moving from club to club because she's always getting fired cuz she thinks sucking dick comes with the lap dance.

No thanks. I desided that I'd go with plane black at first, if you ever walked around in heels for any amount of time you know it's not the most comffy thing in the world. But for some damn reason clear heels are well, workable. So it is what it is. Some jobs invole ties and sport jackets, or tacky hats and shripe shirt. My job involes tacky heels and bikinis.

Such is life.