So much for fall fashion....

So it's the middle of nov. and it's still hotter than two midgets having sex in a sock. I'm pretty pissed about it. I love fall fashions love them! And this seasons is so adorable! the tights the vinage stuff that just waiting for a chilly day. Scarfs! oh the scarfs! And soup damn it I wanna have some soup without sweating over it.
Baking I fucking want to bake some damn pumpkin bread is that really too much to ask? I'm trying not to be pissed about the weather, I mean I got to lay out today and work on my tan. So I just have to trick myself in to thinking it's still summer time.

But romantic fall is a callin'! It's the time to wear all the cute layers of stuff. Like this

romantic fall by Lilly Holiday

OH Lover.

what is it like to cast someone out of your life? To see someone as an entirely disposeable object. Audie Humpburn once said "People more than things need to rebuilt, restored and reclaimed. Never throw out anyone." but is that true of toxic people and like all villians do they wake up thinking that they are in the right? I've been feeling lately like such a dispossable person. Noone needs me in there life. I have a lot of great friends that want me there. But friends sometimes can not heal the string of a romance turned sour and ugly.

Lover brought up my family as a red flag, something he said that I could never understand because I've never been hated for the simple color of my skin. Something that I've gotten almost arrested for assult because someone called my friend a nigger. Something that I couldn't understand because I have a white family, oh wait I've lived with and consider my best friends family more family than my own. But my prick fathers whom is in prison and isn't even apart of my life that's the red flag, that's part of what makes me dispossable.

Also the fact that I'm a dancer, something he knew not just when he met but before he met me. Something that not just one of his ex's is or was but practically ALL of his ex's are. What is it that makes me so easily discarded? What is it that makes it so easy for people to kick me when I'm down? So easy to let go.

I'm unquine, and most people that are leave a void where ever they've left. I have no idea if that is true of myself or not. I wonder if it's just the nature of men in general to pretent that they're no cracks and peaces missing from thier lives or from themselves. I'd like to think that but I've seen no evadence to the contairy. I'd love to think that I've left some kind of mark on them, I'd settle for a skarch where they've left a big bleeding wound in my fucking chest.

I have to remind myself that, this is what happened when you open yourself up, the sweets seem to come in with the sours and the latter seems to be in abundance.


the song that I'm listening to.
(Jeff Buckley: Last goodbye)

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over, it's over.

Halloween

So I spent halloween up in LA in the west hollywood area and I must say the best part about that was all the drag queens dressed up as Sarah Paline. My Hat is tipped to them as it is to my friend Haily for dressing up like a ODed Hooters girl, and when anyone asked her what she was she'd reply "The saddest thing in the world." LOL! ahhhh that's why we're friends.

Painting's I've been working on

this one's called under glass.
This one is called Ritual. If that's not the goddess speaking through art I have no idea what is.

This one's called "We all wear them..."
This Little Lovely is called "Melancholy Melody"
"Plugged In"
"Chesire Kitty"
And my all time favorite "Catwoman"

Being a broke stripper, take two!

Jezzz!! So everyone remembers my rant on not dancing any more. Well shock me, shock me I had to go back to it and it's sad but I seemed to have forgotten that I have these things called bills. So now It's the dancers worse case senorio, rent week/ holiday week... that means a million and two girls and little to no girls. And the funny thing is .....okay actaully not even a little funny really I waited like a year to pay my power bill so it's like 300 dollars that I don't have. fuck. sooooo fucked.

I know I go on and on and on about growing up and being an adult but when things like this happen, or rather I let happen. The question of weather or not I'm ever growing up is really coming in to question.

It sucks because I really didn't want to work halloween! I was going to be the bride of frankinstine!! damn it! not I'm going to be stuck in a strip club wearing fucking cat ears. That's not really even a costume! I wear cat ears all the time!

sucks.

suck.

sucks.

Broken hearted boys, you have to go.

If like actracts like then for me to say that I may just appear broken to the out side world. I feel like people are constantly waiting for me to show my "flaws" or my craziness. Okay people news flash! I have pink eye brows to match my hair, I run around in clears heels intoxicated of money and my greatest joy is watching cartoons.

Is that some how not crazy enough for you?

I'd really like it to be because there is no rabbit in my hat, I AM THE FREAKING BUNNY!

I have a hard time letting things go and when I like someone that's it there's no games, there's no question. I just want them and I find myself in the curious situation of someone, you guessed it Lover. Wanting me as well but him not liking himself enough to have me.

What kind of crap is that, uh Goddess?

So in an act of desperate self preservation because him holding back was killing me making me constantly doubt weather or not I could do or be again thing to make it okay. I had to cut him loose. It was like cutting apart of my own psyche away. I cried all this morning just thinking to myself for awhile I did indeed weather we'd like to say it or not, belonged to someone.

But you can't love a wild thing. In the end I would have done something stupid and crazy just to get his attention, making a fool and villian out of myself.

The worse part was when he left with all of his things, he sent me a text that for what is it worth our time together ment alot to him. It's so much easier to hate someone and say "well that guy's a piece of shit I'm better off!" than, that man is a worth while human being and when he's strongh enough to see what kind of power Lover has in this world it's going to be something really extraoridary. But I can't be there for it and no one can.

Another heart breaking thing he told me that he didn't want to be carried be anyone, I have to tip my hat to that, most men aren't men and having pride is a good step in to being one.

So to all the broken hearted boys out there I'm just going to make you realize that you need to standing on your own. And my god when you do I want to be there to see it.

Okay why I got fired...

I'm actually kinda pissed cuz I really do wish that I did something that was like "oh my god! I can't believe she did that," kinda thing but no it was something stupid. Me and a new manger in training didn't get along and I got fired over it.

lame beyond belief really I know. But oh well.

The end.