Being a broke stripper, take two!

Jezzz!! So everyone remembers my rant on not dancing any more. Well shock me, shock me I had to go back to it and it's sad but I seemed to have forgotten that I have these things called bills. So now It's the dancers worse case senorio, rent week/ holiday week... that means a million and two girls and little to no girls. And the funny thing is .....okay actaully not even a little funny really I waited like a year to pay my power bill so it's like 300 dollars that I don't have. fuck. sooooo fucked.

I know I go on and on and on about growing up and being an adult but when things like this happen, or rather I let happen. The question of weather or not I'm ever growing up is really coming in to question.

It sucks because I really didn't want to work halloween! I was going to be the bride of frankinstine!! damn it! not I'm going to be stuck in a strip club wearing fucking cat ears. That's not really even a costume! I wear cat ears all the time!

sucks.

suck.

sucks.

Broken hearted boys, you have to go.

If like actracts like then for me to say that I may just appear broken to the out side world. I feel like people are constantly waiting for me to show my "flaws" or my craziness. Okay people news flash! I have pink eye brows to match my hair, I run around in clears heels intoxicated of money and my greatest joy is watching cartoons.

Is that some how not crazy enough for you?

I'd really like it to be because there is no rabbit in my hat, I AM THE FREAKING BUNNY!

I have a hard time letting things go and when I like someone that's it there's no games, there's no question. I just want them and I find myself in the curious situation of someone, you guessed it Lover. Wanting me as well but him not liking himself enough to have me.

What kind of crap is that, uh Goddess?

So in an act of desperate self preservation because him holding back was killing me making me constantly doubt weather or not I could do or be again thing to make it okay. I had to cut him loose. It was like cutting apart of my own psyche away. I cried all this morning just thinking to myself for awhile I did indeed weather we'd like to say it or not, belonged to someone.

But you can't love a wild thing. In the end I would have done something stupid and crazy just to get his attention, making a fool and villian out of myself.

The worse part was when he left with all of his things, he sent me a text that for what is it worth our time together ment alot to him. It's so much easier to hate someone and say "well that guy's a piece of shit I'm better off!" than, that man is a worth while human being and when he's strongh enough to see what kind of power Lover has in this world it's going to be something really extraoridary. But I can't be there for it and no one can.

Another heart breaking thing he told me that he didn't want to be carried be anyone, I have to tip my hat to that, most men aren't men and having pride is a good step in to being one.

So to all the broken hearted boys out there I'm just going to make you realize that you need to standing on your own. And my god when you do I want to be there to see it.

Okay why I got fired...

I'm actually kinda pissed cuz I really do wish that I did something that was like "oh my god! I can't believe she did that," kinda thing but no it was something stupid. Me and a new manger in training didn't get along and I got fired over it.

lame beyond belief really I know. But oh well.

The end.

Sooooo....About that whole clear heels thing.....

I'm not gonna lie, it's been fun, hell more than fun, I've learned so much about my self and others than I would have doing something else. But the univeris has spoken. Strippering isn't what I'm suppose to doing right now I've learned what I needed from this and it's time to move on.

Don't get me wrong in my typical last to leave the party two hours too late I went kicking and screaming. "No! NOOO!! I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP!!!" It's not something that I'm proud of, taking the easy way out. But that's what I did for the past five years or so. Not relying on my talents or my creativity. It's really no wonder I've failed so brilliently.

That's me Burning out rather than fading away. Even as my manager was sitting me down and talking with me he was asking if I wanted him to call other clubs to get me a job there. Let's just say it was the oddest me-getting-fired talk ever. Who offers you another job when they're firing you?

I was getting pretty bad there for a minute. I'm not the type who hides how I'm feeling and you don't have to be a mind reader to see how I'm feeling. I swear when I'm in a bad mood I can make plants die as I walk by them. And I was just so over it and I was already looking for a new job working in a salon.

That's right, time to grow up and go to work every day. And do some hair.

Really?? Monday??? I mean freaking MONDAY??!!!

So my lover, and I use the word lover because the semantics of our thing. It's sooooo undefined so the word "boyfriend" is a big he ever no-no topic. And strange thing is it's not off topic via him, it's via me. I was at first coming out of my skin to have the are-we-an-us-yet? convo, as it turns out I turn anything the seems like it would be a relationship convo into talk of batman, obama, or my fav, comic book vs movie.

So Lover is leaving tonight for a wedding where he and his friend Batty (I have no clue if that's her real name, doubt it) designed the wedding dress. So in true gothic fashion ie: not having very many friends of their own, they fly both Batty and Lover to said wedding. the problem with that is that I've gotten use to seeing and knowing him.....in the biblical sense that is. It's wednesday now and I'm not going to see him until you guessed it, monday.

Fucking monday? Damn it. really? Okay and another other thing that's driving me up the wall, his going to a wedding....I know not WITH another girl. But really with Batty. and call me old fashion but I'm just gonna say it, you take the person you are fucking or going to be fucking to a wedding....or in Lover's case co-designer of the Brides dress whom has a boyfriend.....and I'm just being a crazy girl really.