I wanted to start a new one please fallow that one!!
trying to get everthing straight.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I wanted to start a new one please fallow that one!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
a party throw in my Dis-honor! woot!
what can I say to this save for this is how I'm living.....
So this month has been the craziest month ever I've been moving I was one of the vices someone gave up for lent (long story), one of my ex-friends keeps harassing me in ways that are so retarded that it's almost flattering.
So about this Ex-friend thing, first I'd like to say how middle school I feel even typing the work "ex-friend". But this is a person that would ignore my calls until it was three am and her and her boyfriend were in some kind of altercation mostly involving some kind drugs and alcohol induced rages on both of their parts. So the only time I'd hear from her is 3am drunk dialing or mass-chain mail text messages that weren't ever funny. The last straw came when she sent me some raciest one about Obama, "they're getting rid of the rose garden and putting in a water mellon patch!" oh...ha....ha....ha.
So I told her to loose my number. What dose she do..... have other people prank call me at 3am! About how I like black dick.....the woman is 32....this is the kinda stuff you hear about high school kids doing to one another and there isn't a person that she hangs with that is younger than her....making this all the better. This means grown ass folks don't have anything better to do than fuck with me....I'm a sick person because I really am deeply flattered by this...they even have Anti-lilly partys! yes parties thrown in my DIS-honer! they sent me pictures to prove it....
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Ahhh I made a playlist how gay and emo of me!
1 Amy Winehouse - Wake Up Alone
2 Bring Me Down-Lenka
3 Dark Blue Jacks- Mannequin
4 Fort Minor- Where'd You Go
5 I'm On Fire-Bat for Lashes
6 I Know It's Over -The Smiths
7 I Feel It All -Feist
8 I Need A Hero-Frou Frou
9 Keep Breathing-Ingrid Michaelson
10 Lady Sings the Blues-Billie Holiday
11 Last Goodbye-Jeff Buckley
12 Let Me Kiss You-Morrissey
13 Loneliness is Worse-Veruca Salt
14 Love Song-Sara Bareilles
15 Madonna - Borderline
16 Merry Happy-Kate Nash
17 Portions of Foxes-Rilo Kiley
18 Ryan Adams - Wonderwall (Oasis cover)
19 Simple And Clean-Utada Hikaru
20 Sky Fell Over Me-Shiny Toy Guns
21 Stevie Nicks with Sheryl Crow - If You Ever Did Believe (practical magic soundtrack)
22 This Love-The Veronicas
23. Walking On Broken Glass-Annie Lennox
24 What About Love-Heart
25. Love will tear us apart agin- Joy division
what can I say I mushy emotional cutter.
Monday, March 9, 2009
a time to give up a vice. like coffee, smoking, sweets, booze, ....a person? I'm a vice? So Lover gave me up for lent. Let me clairify, he gave up sex for lent. Okay that wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't the only one he was having sex with. That's like there being only one blond in the room than saying out loud "I'm not going to fuck any blond girls in this room! So there!"
So Randy's best friend Joel where talking about, this is really good "All the things that I don't want in my life..", yes he said that, thinking that I wouldn't take it personally some how. And his best friend said that he let girls distrack him from what he wants in life. Randy being....well Randy got quite offended by this remarking back "I'm not a sexaully driven person, I don't need sex." Well then Joel and can I just say good for him? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not a sexually driven person, ugh!
Anywho Joel says "well then Lent is coming up if you can give up sex for 40 days and nights I'll bet you a hundred dallors" Long story short Randy worked Joel up to 500. So that's great I my feelings aren't worthless! They have an exact amount!!! WOOT! yeah okay, out of everything that's happened this is by far feeling the worst.
So as Randy is telling me this he's pacing around my apartment nervous, I thought it was just becuase we'd had a stupid spat where he thought that ....oh god who knows what the fuck he thought. fuck it. He tells me all this like it has nothing to do with me, and I'm thinking okay well maybe it really doesn't maybe I'm the dellionaly one, maybe there really isn't anything there and he's been with other girls. Nope I'm not crazy he WASN'T sleeping with anyone else, I'm just a thing that he doesn't want in his life. okay so I'm sitting there in shock. What do you do? What do you say to someone who has giving up on you yet again? Someone whom you've been nothing but honest with and now your something that they don't want in there life. Fuck, I'm sitting here crying at a fucking coffee shop. I'm so fucking mad! I want to call him up and just yell. "You fucking hurt me? fuck for what? Why am I so fucking worthless to you? Why do You let ever piece of shit girl in but keep me away? Why did you fucking do this?"
which brings me to what I deside to do, I gave him up for lent, I can't talk to him or text. Needless to say he wasn't too happy about that, bring up the fact of why would he want to be with someone who wasn't willing to be his friend. Well why the fuck would I want to be friends with someone that would fucking hurt me this bad?! FUCK!!! Why would I want a reminder everyday that I'm not what you want? Why would I want to have you around talking about how your not a sexual person and how you could take it or leave it?
Okay here it is I'm just going to say it, Randy has a healthy sexual appitite just like anyother 25 year old male, however he has a relationship with sex like anirexes have with food, ie: if I don't have it, it won't control me. So fuck you for putting that on other people. So you fucked your ex a few times, who doesn't do what I refer to "backies"? So you like to fuck, you like to eat to don't you? Fuck your human! Get over it! I know you want to be different and wierd your there! you have a dreadlock mohawk and some of the sexiest tattoos and peircing I've ever seen and your half black and look exotic as fuck. You do things with more care and diganty than I've ever seen in another person, mission accomplished yo! You don't have to prove to anyone that your different. Fuck I can't even do the fucking stupid girl thing and go off on what a fucking douch bag he is, cuz he's not, which makes me even more mad that he's up and desided to act this way towards me.
And even after all this my stay-too-late manlety is telling me to just wait for him to come around, that what I felt was real, and anything real is worth it. But worth what? My pride, sense of self worth just to have him knock me down with his own fears? Nothing hurts like the feeling of loosing something of worth. I'm a fucking mess right now. I should just slap on a smile and be writing about how much fun I've been having. I wish I was one of those people that could play games, I'm finding that, that is a very useful surviaul tactic that I just don't own. I'm big fat whooping bleeding breaking wound of a heart. Game face! Game face! I need a game face! And I totally don't own that outfit.
I wish I did. I don't want to be sad and mope around, And I don't even have a place to hide while all this is going on, I want to bury my head and sand and watch movies all day. But I don't have a place where I want to do that. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to rain on anyone's day, fuck why would I want that? Wet blanket never looks good on anyone. I'm hoping later that I'll have the burst of creativity that will be the fuel for a painting or a drawing or something but all I'm doing right now is stairing at a blank page. The only thing that I've created is a play list of horrorable perfect songs for this forlorn occation. Ewww I used the word forlorn.....what is this wiethering hieghts? and here I was hoping for Pride and Predjust! Oh no go to hell Hefclift go to hell! I want a Mr. Darcy damn it!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I'm dating someone who's love map has been vandalized.....damn it.
what is a love map you ask?
"A lovemap is a concept originated by John Money to assist a discussion of why people like what they enjoy sexually and erotically. According to Money, it is "a developmental representation or template in the mind and in the brain depicting the idealized lover and the idealized program of sexual and erotic activity projected in imagery or actually engaged in with that lover."
A lovemap can be shaped by both positive and negative factors, things that attract or repel the person whose erotic tastes are being mapped. For reasons that are not always easy to understand, one person may be attracted to people of a particular gender, with a particular physical characteristic, with particular personality traits, and so forth. One may also find certain characteristics so threatening or objectionable that it strongly mitigates against an erotic attraction being manifested.
A lovemap can be shaped by environmental factors that facilitate the formation of an erotic bond, or that enhance or diminish erotic response. For instance, some people may bond strongly to people with whom they share a crisis situation. Some people may find their erotic responses muted in the presence of intimidating environmental factors (observant elders or nosy neighbors, for instance). "
So that's what a Lovemap is and the man I'm dating has a lovemap that has had a razor blade and shapie taking to it. I was reading this as a came across this while looking up imprinting (don't ask). And I got to thinking is all of it so predestined? and so unchangable? Or is it just another way to classife just another stage in your life. Or is it some what more of a biproduct of everything else. You're love map that is. Your turn ons and your turn offs.... your needs.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Okay so I went up to my mother's house for Christmas which okay I like spending time with the fam and all. But when it's too cold to bathe? That's right my mother lives in a house with a water heater the size of a brita water filter and at the base of palomar moutain and it was snowing across the fucking street. Yeah, hi I was fucking purple. It's really hard to get in the christmas spirt when you're purple.
Spending time with my niece and nephew would have being the highlight if they didn't have the worse case of cabin fever I've ever seen. I really couldn't blame them though, I was just as bad but with the house at 65 degrees (which I'm sorry is fucking freezing!) There was no way I was going out side, even if the kids and I weren't sick on top of freezing. The nitequil that my friend Haily had left at my house was worth it's weight in gold seeings how A. I can't sleep at my mothers. that might have to do with the fact that she lives out in the middle of nowhere aka where noone can hear you scream. B. I'm too fucking cold to sleep. C. if you can't breath you can't sleep. YAY! super phun time.
After dropping off the kids the next day we went to an old friend of the family, Carl. It was one of those barzar expirnces where everyone pretends to know you when they haven't seen you since you where five maybe. My hat is tipped to Carl's daughter whom was one of the only people at the party that introduced herself and didn't acted like I should know her. She laughed and said she gets the same thing all the time.
Random person my partents know "Oh you remember ME!"
Me "No I don't recall."
Random "You use to play in the dirt in frount of my house!"
Me "Really? Was I five?"
Random "Yeah you where this tall! You've grown!"
Me "Yeah, It's kinda been like 21 years. How many people to remember from the ages of five and under? I go by Leia now, too many Amandas really doesn't fit, you know? What was your name?"
Random "Oh come on you remember!"
Me "No really I was five. I really only rememeber cartoons."
Random "Well I'm not telling you....."
Me "I'll work on caring...."
Needless to say my mother was pissed. Some people really just need to shot in the face how the fuck was i suppose to rememeber these people? I was fucking five. The only thing I remember is wanting to wear my halloween costume year round. Yes I was one of those kids.
My mother calmed down after about a bottle of wine. Bad idea on my part to bring the wine. My mother has to be one of the worse drunks I know and I know some fucking terriable drunks. So needless to say the drive home was a super phun time! Then once we got home my mother through a princess fit because I didn't want to watch Christmas Vaction for the millionth fucking time because "It's a tadution!"
I didn't want to watch that movie....ever again for the rest of my life but the crazy woman was in charge to the heat, the sadiest. So on with Mr. Chase and compeny and she let me have a fire. However she nagected to mention that the heater can't be on while you have a fire because for some bazzar reason the heater blows the smoke into the house! So after my near brush with death via smoke inhaltion The house got moderatly warm. And I got to thinking if something like the red dawn happened I'd be screwed. I can't be in cold weather I'm the meanest bitch ever! I turn into the devil when I'm cold. Well maybe that'd be a good thing if I was fighting a rebellion......
well anywho! that was my christmas tune in for more adventures in La La Leia Land same bat time same bat channel.
Posted by Lilly Holiday at 4:19 PM