Monday, March 9, 2009


a time to give up a vice. like coffee, smoking, sweets, booze, ....a person? I'm a vice? So Lover gave me up for lent. Let me clairify, he gave up sex for lent. Okay that wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't the only one he was having sex with. That's like there being only one blond in the room than saying out loud "I'm not going to fuck any blond girls in this room! So there!"

So Randy's best friend Joel where talking about, this is really good "All the things that I don't want in my life..", yes he said that, thinking that I wouldn't take it personally some how. And his best friend said that he let girls distrack him from what he wants in life. Randy being....well Randy got quite offended by this remarking back "I'm not a sexaully driven person, I don't need sex." Well then Joel and can I just say good for him? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not a sexually driven person, ugh!

Anywho Joel says "well then Lent is coming up if you can give up sex for 40 days and nights I'll bet you a hundred dallors" Long story short Randy worked Joel up to 500. So that's great I my feelings aren't worthless! They have an exact amount!!! WOOT! yeah okay, out of everything that's happened this is by far feeling the worst.

So as Randy is telling me this he's pacing around my apartment nervous, I thought it was just becuase we'd had a stupid spat where he thought that ....oh god who knows what the fuck he thought. fuck it. He tells me all this like it has nothing to do with me, and I'm thinking okay well maybe it really doesn't maybe I'm the dellionaly one, maybe there really isn't anything there and he's been with other girls. Nope I'm not crazy he WASN'T sleeping with anyone else, I'm just a thing that he doesn't want in his life. okay so I'm sitting there in shock. What do you do? What do you say to someone who has giving up on you yet again? Someone whom you've been nothing but honest with and now your something that they don't want in there life. Fuck, I'm sitting here crying at a fucking coffee shop. I'm so fucking mad! I want to call him up and just yell. "You fucking hurt me? fuck for what? Why am I so fucking worthless to you? Why do You let ever piece of shit girl in but keep me away? Why did you fucking do this?"

which brings me to what I deside to do, I gave him up for lent, I can't talk to him or text. Needless to say he wasn't too happy about that, bring up the fact of why would he want to be with someone who wasn't willing to be his friend. Well why the fuck would I want to be friends with someone that would fucking hurt me this bad?! FUCK!!! Why would I want a reminder everyday that I'm not what you want? Why would I want to have you around talking about how your not a sexual person and how you could take it or leave it?

Okay here it is I'm just going to say it, Randy has a healthy sexual appitite just like anyother 25 year old male, however he has a relationship with sex like anirexes have with food, ie: if I don't have it, it won't control me. So fuck you for putting that on other people. So you fucked your ex a few times, who doesn't do what I refer to "backies"? So you like to fuck, you like to eat to don't you? Fuck your human! Get over it! I know you want to be different and wierd your there! you have a dreadlock mohawk and some of the sexiest tattoos and peircing I've ever seen and your half black and look exotic as fuck. You do things with more care and diganty than I've ever seen in another person, mission accomplished yo! You don't have to prove to anyone that your different. Fuck I can't even do the fucking stupid girl thing and go off on what a fucking douch bag he is, cuz he's not, which makes me even more mad that he's up and desided to act this way towards me.

And even after all this my stay-too-late manlety is telling me to just wait for him to come around, that what I felt was real, and anything real is worth it. But worth what? My pride, sense of self worth just to have him knock me down with his own fears? Nothing hurts like the feeling of loosing something of worth. I'm a fucking mess right now. I should just slap on a smile and be writing about how much fun I've been having. I wish I was one of those people that could play games, I'm finding that, that is a very useful surviaul tactic that I just don't own. I'm big fat whooping bleeding breaking wound of a heart. Game face! Game face! I need a game face! And I totally don't own that outfit.

I wish I did. I don't want to be sad and mope around, And I don't even have a place to hide while all this is going on, I want to bury my head and sand and watch movies all day. But I don't have a place where I want to do that. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to rain on anyone's day, fuck why would I want that? Wet blanket never looks good on anyone. I'm hoping later that I'll have the burst of creativity that will be the fuel for a painting or a drawing or something but all I'm doing right now is stairing at a blank page. The only thing that I've created is a play list of horrorable perfect songs for this forlorn occation. Ewww I used the word forlorn.....what is this wiethering hieghts? and here I was hoping for Pride and Predjust! Oh no go to hell Hefclift go to hell! I want a Mr. Darcy damn it!